Before it Breaks
by soccergirl1997
Summary: Scared, broken, cautious, fourteen year old Sailor has lived a life full of pain and not of love. When she meets her mother and father, our very own Derek and Addison Shepherd, can they show her love? Can they make her a little less broken? T for mentions of child abuse, rating could go up, summary sucks story is pretty good so try it out! See if you like it.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Scared, broken, cautious, fourteen year old Sailor has lived a life full of pain and not of love. When she meets her mother and father, our very own Derek and Addison Shepherd, can they show her love? Can they make her a little less broken?**

**Author's Note: Hey, so this is my first fanfiction and actually a dream I had. I'm still new to this and constructive criticism is welcomed with open arms so please give me some feedback. I want to see if people actually like this story line. It's original, and actually a part of my personal life story so please pretty pretty please let me know if you love it, hate it, or anything in between.**

**FIVE REVIEWS FOR A NEW CHAPTER! (I won't always do this I promise)**

Before it Breaks

There's no such thing as a perfect, or even close to perfect person. We all have our flaws, we all are broken in our own pathetic ways. Trust no one, be prepared to lose everything that matters to you and everyone you are unfortunate enough to learn to love, these are all valuable life lessons I've learned from my ten years of foster care but the single handed most valuable thing I've learned is that I, Sailor Chelsea Norman, is unwanted and unloved by every human I will ever come in contact with, and that, to put it bluntly, sucks.

_I'm five years old, I've hidden in my closet, something that has become natural. My mom, Helen, has a few of her "friends" over. Helen adopted me the day I was born; my parents were too busy with medical school to bother raising me. She told me I was special because she chose me and that I should try and live up to her standards. The friends she has over tonight are the ones that scare me. They are the ones that give mommy the special candy that make her mean. They are the ones that give mommy the special juice that makes her sick. They are the ones, that if they can find me, hurt me. I hear a loud bang, I cover my ears and clutch my teddy bear tighter to my chest, the one thing that can help me when I'm scared. I hear people shouting. One man shouts "NYPD DROP YOUR WEAPON!" and then there are more bangs. Everything is too loud. I want to run and find my mommy, I want my mommy, I'm so scared though, if I leave the closet someone might hurt me. I find the courage to leave my closet and go very quietly downstairs, I know I have to be quiet. If I'm not quiet, someone could hurt me, someone would hurt me. _

"Hey kid, isn't this the address you gave me?" The taxi driver snaps me out of my thoughts as I collect myself.

"Yes it is." I agreed. "How much will it cost?"

"Well, two dollars per mile plus the two dollars and fifty cents to get in, you're right at fifty dollars." He said. I started shaking. I didn't have enough money for that. Even with the money I had saved and taken I only had forty dollars. "You know what, you seem like a good kid and you seem like you really needed a ride so how about I give you a break this time? It's on me just promise me something."

"What would that be?" I asked.

"Try and stay out of trouble and stay safe." He told me.

People like this taxi driver gave me a hope that maybe all humanity hadn't vanished. He gave me a hope that not everyone in this world was horrid. "I'll do my best and thank you so much sir."

"Don't mention it." He said flashing me a quick grin.

I got out of the car with the backpack full of all my belongings and made my way up the stairs to the rather large brownstone. I could hear lots of people laughing and wondered if maybe I had come at a bad time. I don't know how I brought myself to bring my fist up to the door and to knock but I did and was greeted by a man with my hair and my eyes. I knew this man, I knew very well who he was. It was Dr. Derek Shepherd, my biological father.

He looked at me curiously, probably because of how much I resembled him. He tilted his head and looked at me curiously. "Hello, I'm Derek, do I know you?" He asked.

"Not exactly." I told him biting my lip, a nervous habit I had.

"Derek, honey, who's at the door?" I heard a woman's voice call.

He looked at me curiously waiting on me to answer. He probably didn't know how to answer the woman, he didn't know my name or who I was or why I was here.

"My name is Sailor and I'm, well, I'm your daughter." I told him.

"Addison, I think you should come here!" He called back studying me.

"Derek? What's going on?" An angelic voice asked as a tall red headed woman walked to where we stood. I could still hear chit chat in the next room so I knew we weren't alone.

"This is Sailor, she's our…daughter?" He said the statement coming off more as a question.

"You're our…but how did you…I mean why are you…why aren't you with your family?" She asked sounding very shocked.

_I was quiet but not quite quiet enough. My foot made the stairs squeak and the entire group of people turned their heads towards me. "Sailor, baby, go upstairs." My mom plead with me._

_I saw one of the men point a gun at her head. "MOMMY!" I screamed as a loud bang happened again. Everything was in slow motion after that. Mommy fell to the ground, the man that shot her ran towards me but fell after another bang. The police man put the bad guys in hand cuffs and one came to me. _

_He tried to comfort me but I didn't acknowledge his presence. He lifted me and put me in an ambulance and suggested that someone looks me over for signs of abuse. I was scared, very scared. I wanted my mommy._

I decided to answer each of her questions one at a time. "Yes I am your daughter, I found you by glancing at my file, I am here because I hate being a foster kid, my mom is dead and I never had a dad and I really hate foster care."

"Foster care? But you were adopted. We met your mother beforehand, we chose her." Derek explained.

I wanted to yell at him and tell him that they clearly didn't choose the right person. I loved my mom but she was ultimately the cause of all the hurt I had in my life. "Like I said, my mother is dead." I repeated.

Addison looked at me for a few moments before speaking again, breaking the awkward silence. "You must be freezing, why don't you come inside?" She suggested.

I followed her through the hallway, past the dining room which seated many people all chatting amongst themselves, and into a small room with a fireplace and a few comfortable looking couches.

"I'm going to go see our guests out." Derek told her.

"That's probably a good idea." She agreed.

Addison sat on one of the couches and motioned for me to do the same. I hesitantly took a seat on the couch nearest to the fire. Until Addison had mentioned it, I hadn't been cold, but now, I was freezing. "I'm sorry that I came at such an inconvenient time." I told her.

"Nonsense, those are just some of Derek's coworkers speaking about expanding their practice to more than just neuro." She told me.

I looked at her wondering what to say next. As many people had told me in the past, I had a bad habit of saying the wrong thing and either offending someone or making a situation real awkward real fast. "Is he a neurologist or a neurosurgeon?" I asked trying to break the ice so to speak.

"Neurosurgeon, probably one of the best in the country." She explained.

"What kind of doctor are you? All I saw on the file was that you were physicians nothing to specific." I told her.

"I'm a neonatal surgeon and OBGYN." She explained. "So I deal mostly with risky pregnancies."

"That seems interesting." I told her. Honestly, I was trying to avoid any conversation that had to do with me. I didn't quite know what I wanted to get out of this little visit, at first I wanted them to adopt me, but they are busy surgeons and didn't want me as a baby so why would that change now that I'm fourteen?

"I think it is at least." She said offering me a warm smile, something I had seldom seen. Once or twice with my "mother" and one time at the hospital with the doctor that took care of me when I was about eight or nine.

"_Sailor, the doctor is going to come in here and fix you. Do you remember what I said about answering her questions?" Tracy, one of my former foster mothers asked me._

"_To lie, and to lie good." I said biting my lip._

"_Lie well." She corrected. _

_As if on cue, a beautiful woman in a lab coat introduced herself. "Hello, Sailor, Mrs. Roy, my name is Dr. Fitzpatrick and I'm here to make sure Sailor is alright." _

_The doctor had curly brown hair, similar to mine, and ocean blue eyes, also similar to mine. She seemed kind but I knew better than to trust her. "Please, call me Tracy." Tracy insisted in an almost sickening voice. "Sailor got into a bit of a tumble with a classmate on the playground." _

"_Well that's never good." The doctor said placing a hand on her hip and smiling at me. "Tracy, why don't you go fill out the forms at the desk and I will get Sailor all fixed up."_

"_Of course." Tracy said leaving me alone with the doctor._

"_So Sailor, what was your little scuffle about?" She asked me._

_I bit my lip thinking for a minute. "One of the boys told me I should go play with my dolls, I don't like playing with dolls."_

"_Are you sure that's all that happened?" She asked._

_Oh no, she had caught me, she knew I was lying. I didn't know what to do, I was trapped. How was I supposed to lie my way out of this one?_

"Sorry that took so long." Derek said joining us again.

I don't think any of us really knew what to say or do. I bit my lip and looked at them both hoping they would break the awkward silence.

"So Sailor, why don't we go get you something to eat and we can try to sort all of this out? Do you like steak? We have some left from dinner or I can cook you something else." Addison suggested.

Why was she being so nice to me? She acted like she'd known me all my life. "Steak's fine." I offered following her to the kitchen.

I sat at the table as Addison placed a plate of food in front of me. This was going to be a long conversation.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary: Scared, broken, cautious, fourteen year old Sailor has lived a life full of pain and not of love. When she meets her mother and father, our very own Derek and Addison Shepherd, can they show her love? Can they make her a little less broken?**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews and I do take your opinions seriously. This chapter is choppy and not very well put together and honestly, if it wasn't a Sunday night and more like a Friday or Saturday, I would go back and fix it but I want to go ahead and put this out there. **

**NEW TRIGGER: Self Harm, not focus but a part of the story.**

Before it Breaks

"Why did you run away from foster care?" Addison asked after I took the last delicious bit of my dinner.

Did I really trust these two people in front of me to answer that honestly? Sure they were my parents but I had only known them for an hour after all.

"_Frank, leave me alone!" My fourteen year old self, just three weeks ago yelled._

"_Not this time you little slut!" He said grabbing my wrist and twisting. I hissed at the pain._

"_Please! If you do it I'll tell my social worker!" I begged._

"_You think she would believe a little cunt like you?" He asked._

"_You've already done it three times this week!" I reminded him._

"_Because you've already deserved it three times this week." He hissed grabbing my hair and shoving me onto his bed._

I sighed, if they knew the truth they would never want to even attempt to deal with me. "I have my reasons." I explained.

"Sailor, we want to help you, we really do, but you've got to give us answers. I'm sure you broke a few laws to find us which I am not angry about but I cannot say the same for anyone on your case." Derek said softly.

"I told you, I have my reasons." I said again.

"Did someone hurt you?" Addison asked kindly.

I snorted, hurt was an understatement. Hurt does not even begin to cover what foster care had done to me. Addison and Derek didn't want me as a child though so why would they want me now? It was a bad idea coming to them. Why would they have changed their minds? "I shouldn't have come, I'm sorry, I'll leave and let you get back to your perfect lives." I grumbled.

I stood up from the table, about to see myself out but felt a hand on my arm. I turned to look in the eyes of Derek. "Not so fast sweetheart, we owe you an explanation." He said.

I looked between the pair of them for a few minutes before sighing and taking a seat at the table again. "We wanted you, we really did, but with our schedules it was impractical." Addison told me.

"We were both only in our second year of medical school, with the careers we were aiming for we would not have enough time to raise a child." Derek continued.

"So we gave you up for adoption. We interviewed tons of people and finally found one that suited us, your mother." Addison told me. "If we had known she was going to pass away while you were so young we would have reconsidered. We really did think she would make the perfect mother for you."

"You couldn't have been more wrong." I told her.

"Why do you say that?" Derek asked curiously.

"She was addicted to drugs, her addiction ruled our lives and ultimately ended hers and almost mine." I explained.

"If we had known…" Addison began.

"What? If you had known you would have put your own daughter before your career? I barely know you but I highly doubt that. I really shouldn't have come here, I thought maybe" I started "oh never mind it doesn't matter." I said standing up again this time a tear forming in my eye.

"What did you think?" Derek asked.

"I thought maybe you had changed your minds about having a daughter. I thought maybe you might, ugh it doesn't matter, clearly I was wrong." I sighed.

"You thought we might want you?" Addison asked. "You couldn't be more right. We wronged you entirely by allowing someone else to raise you and we know that now and we want to at least try and make it up to you."

"Why? Why do you want me?" I asked really wanting to know the answer.

"We've always wanted you honey it's just before, we weren't ready for the responsibility and time a child would take, now, well now we are." Derek told me.

I didn't like this. As much as I wanted them to say something like this it was so fast. I didn't really have a chance to think this through enough. "It's all so quick. Are you even allowed to take me back?"

"I'm not going to lie to you Sailor, it's going to probably be rather challenging." Derek answered my question.

"But before we get ahead of ourselves" Addison interrupted. "Is this what you even want?"

"I don't know. It's what I've always dreamt of. I've always wanted you two but it's so quick, I don't even know you. I just don't want to go back to them." I admitted.

"Back to who?" Derek asked.

_Franks hand made its way up and down my body. I tried to scream but he had his other hand pressed over my mouth. His body was too heavy to push off of me. Vanessa just stood and watched. She wanted this to happen to me. She told me that sluts deserved to be treated as such so that Frank had every right to do this to me. _

I sighed, I couldn't tell them about Frank and Vanessa without them getting the police involved. "Any foster parents." I said hoping they would leave that subject alone for at least a little while.

"Well, there is no need to call your social worker tonight. You must be exhausted, why don't I go find you some pajamas to borrow? They'll probably be a bit too big but they'll do for the night. Derek can show you to one of the guest rooms." Addison said her voice was so warm, so loving, so protective.

"Thank you." I told her.

Addison got up and headed out of the kitchen and by the sounds of it, up some stairs. Derek stood too and I figured I would follow his lead. I followed him down the beautifully decorated hallway. The walls were warm beige, all the furniture a dark brown wood. Photos full of people on every wall. One stuck out to me in particular, a lady I could have sworn I had seen before, perhaps a bit older than when I had seen her. I would know that smile anywhere though; I knew exactly who that was.

"_And you are positively sure that all of these marks are from rough play?" Dr. Fitzpatrick asked me._

"_Yes." I answered nervously._

"_If someone is hurting you, you can tell me, even if somebody told you not to, it's okay." She assured me flashing me a warm smile that calmed all my fears. _

_I considered telling her the truth for a split second but before I had the chance, Tracy walked in the room. _

Why was there a picture of Dr. Fitzpatrick in Derek and Addison's home? How did they know her? I wanted to ask but thought against the idea so I wouldn't have to explain anything else tonight. I followed Derek up the stairs and into a rather large bedroom. It had yellow walls and a big king sized bed in the middle with matching yellow pillows and a few aqua accents. The room was beautiful, like something from a magazine.

"The bathroom is right across the hallway and Addison and my room is three doors to the left." He explained.

"Thank you." I told him.

"I'll give you some privacy." He told me.

I smiled kindly at him hoping he would get that that was exactly what I needed. He closed the door on his way out allowing me to look around the room more thoroughly. I put down the small backpack with all of my possessions in it on the floral yellow and aqua chair and placed my shoes underneath the same chair.

I heard a small knock on the door and opened it to see Addison holding a pile of clothes and two folded towels. "I brought you the smallest pajamas I had and some towels if you wanted to shower. If you put your clothes in the hamper in the bathroom I will wash them tonight so they are ready in the morning."

"Thank you." I told her as I took the pile from her arms.

"Sweetheart, are you alright? I know you've had to take in a whole lot of things today and it's probably really confusing." She said offering a small smile.

"I'm just really tired." I lied. In all reality I was hurt, confused, afraid, sad, and happy all at the same time. The emotions were overwhelming.

"A good night of sleep will do you some good. We'll talk more about all of this in the morning." She told me.

"I think you're right." I told her yawning as if to prove my point.

"Goodnight sweetheart." She told me her voice full of love.

"Goodnight Addison." I told her smiling.

She left the room closing the door like Derek had done. I was cold, very cold. I decided to take a warm shower and picked up the pile of clothes and towels and hesitantly made my way out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, my grey oversized sweater was a bit dirty as well as the black and white leggings I was wearing. I pulled them off placing them in the hamper. I could only hope Addison and Derek would never see me with this little clothing on. My ribs were visible from the months of not eating because Vanessa told me sluts didn't deserve food not to mention the bruises that pretty much covered me from head to toe.

I moved over to the shower and turned on the hot water stepping inside. It felt good, amazing. It was the first time in months I had been allowed to take a shower that was warmer than lukewarm. Sluts didn't deserve warm water.

For a long time I just sat down and let the warm water comfort me until I felt a new warm liquid run down my face. I was crying, something I rarely ever allowed to happen. I felt like the tears would never stop, I felt like they were suffocating me. It took all my willpower to stay quiet, I needed something, anything. I needed a release. I swore after the last time I would never do it again, I promised myself but now I couldn't help it. The idea was just too tempting, it was right there. I couldn't think anymore, I wasn't myself. I needed it so bad.

I grabbed the razor, breaking it in half and taking one of the blades, sliding it across my wrist, watching the beautiful sight of blood trickling out of my arm. It felt good, I felt better, it worked.

I finished showering, cleaning out my fresh cut as I did so, and then searched through the cabinets until I finally found what I was looking for, gauze. I bandaged my wrist and then dried off slipping on the warm light blue sweatshirt and plaid pink pajama pants. I pulled my hair up into a bun and made my way back to the bedroom. I took the small white teddy bear, Leonard, out of my backpack, the one thing that had been able to comfort me through my life, the one possession I had managed to hold onto for so long.

_I sat in the back of the police car, thinking about what had just happened. I was scared, so scared. Mommy was dead, the bad man killed her, who would take care of me now? I began to cry and one of the officers looked back at me. _

"_Honey, I know this is all very scary but I promise you that we are only here to help." He told me trying to comfort me. It didn't work, I only cried harder._

"_I want my mommy!" I sobbed._

"_I know sweetie but right now, you can't have her. Why don't you take this teddy bear, I bet he could help you." The officer said handing me a white teddy bear with black eyes and a red ribbon around it's neck._

_I grabbed it and brought it to my chest. I held it tight as I tried to stop crying. _

I curled up in the large bed, clutching Leonard for dear life and cried until I was finally greeted with a familiar feeling, sleep.


End file.
